A Model, A Butcher, and a Bradley Cooper

Movie poster, courtesy of imdb.com

The Midnight Meat Train tells the story of Leon, a photographer, (insert Bradley Cooper here) looking for his big break in New York. After being instructed by a prominent photographer named Susan, played by Brooke Shields, yes, Ms. “you wanna know what comes between me and my Calvins”, Brooke Shields, to find adventure in the city. Leon’s search for success leads him to photographing a model, who later goes missing. Leon then consumes himself with her disappearance, which leads him to following a mystery man he spots on the train, that he is convinced is responsible for these missing people. Insert butcher (played by Vinnie Jones) here. Leon follows the butcher around for a few nights, like any normal person would, and eventually witnesses the butcher, named Mahogany, murder people on the train. Leon learns that the conductor of the train is in cahoots with Mahogany and that Mahogany feeds the dead bodies to the monsters that live under New York City. Yes, the monsters under the city. The movie’s ending can be guessed when the credits are still rolling in the beginning of the movie. It ends with, drum roll please, Leon taking over for Mahogany and becoming the person responsible for feeding the creatures under the city with his victims from the train! Good one guys, good one.

Leon (played by Bradley Cooper) captures the butcher’s crimes on film. Photo courtesy of IMDb

The premise for this movie sounds like a great set-up for a thriller filled with murder, mystery, and monsters, but the movie fails to deliver. With its horrible CGI effects, and holes left in the story, viewers are left with a huge HUH? The monsters that Mahogany feeds the dead bodies to are never explained. We see them for maybe two minutes then they disappear, like a bad selfie you quickly deleted off Facebook, with no explanation. The monsters kind of look like gremlins on steroids. They could have served as a great back story for Mahogany or the movie itself, but they are gone as fast as the movie’s shelf.

The movie’s script is also another cringe-worthy aspect of this movie. The dialogue is bland, awkward, and sounds  forced by the characters. You almost look away. It’s like reading a paper you wrote two years ago that received a D grade, and now you see why you got that D. The dialogue between Leon and his girlfriend is some of the most awkward conversing I’ve witnessed between a young couple in love.

Now lets talk about the CGI effects in this movie. Ouch. Eyeballs, hearts, and blood all coming at you in a sad attempt at 3D style effects. This movie relied too much on its CGI to grab its viewers attention during the murder scenes, and the blood and guts from Mahogany’s victims didn’t help.

Bradley Cooper and Brooke Shields couldn’t save this train wreck of a disaster (sorry I had to.) That pun was just as bad as this movie.

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